I am here to drum up some internet anticipation, I wrote another composition, and colored all the pictures that I drew, and I would like the world to feel excited to see it.

If not, then, thats okay, too.

(music speaks through your thoughts sometimes)
As good as I could possibly imagine my life getting,
It did after I met you.
The way you reached inside my chest
And pulled out things and sent them off,
The way your breaths blew.
And as good as it got with all the layers peeling off,
And though I'll rise I did not upset you.
And with your hand down my throat,
You held onto my heart and pumped blood through,
And then:
"It's time to go"
You said
"It's time to go out, you little grey goose.
Get out from under my wing"
You said,
"You swan, go on, get out, you're turned loose"
"Oh! So it's over?
Oh, so we die?
Oh, so your hand on my heart pumping blood went limp?"
So I have flight,
Oh, swan inside

I dreamed that I was still in Astoria High School, and it was after hours, and it was dawn, and I took the elevator and I had a spacesuit, and the elevator took me to outerspace and I watched the sun set behind the earth, and jupiter was as close as the moon, and I was floating in space and i was connected to nothing, and all i could see were those three planets. After that, i went back to the elevator, and I tried to use my space suit again to go to the stars but I had lost this micro chip in the suit so i couldn't anymore, and so I gave it to Karen Smith, my former babysitter. Then there was some stress about Pacifica, even though thats the Seaside High School name for the senior project, but then Dennis Hopper kidnapped me and he lived in a huge mansion in the middle of nowhere, oregon, and it wasn't as scary as you would think, and then he showed me his birds and they lived in this small tunnel in his house, and he had all sorts of secret tunnels (my favorite!), and he had a falcon and a parrot, and the parrot was big and green and fluffy and beautiful, and I asked if we could take the falcon out for a flight, he hesitated and then said that we couldn't, because people were looking for me. It was then that I realized I had been kidnapped, and the parrot looked sad and nuzzled my neck, and it was at least 3 feet tall. I followed dennis hopper into the living room, and it was a beautiful big room with 2foot tall crown molding, and i went to a space in the middle of it, and pushed it in the middle, and it folded in on itself, but just a space that was big enough for me, and there was a wooden ramp, that led to a wall where on both sides of it there were more tunnels, and on the right side the tunnel that i went had a blanket with rainbows on it, and i took the tunnel to find all of these adults who were drinking wine and lounging, and i thought they were the housestaff fror the mansion, but there were other little girls there, and so i must've been younger, or they were older, but we were the same, and the i crawled back in the way of the rainbow blanket, and then I was in Ms. Salvatore's English Class, but I was sitting next to a big heater which isolated me from the rest of the class, and I was listening to the class discussion and I contributed more and more, but only a little at first, and I said something about how i felt so vulnrable soemtimes, which made the conversation go someplace else, and then Ms Salvatore had a laptop with youtube and we watched and listened to a radiohead performance that was devastatingly beautififul at the academy awards, or some awards, and it made me cry, and I stayed in the classroom and listened to the music until everyone had gone, and it was only me, and then i left the classroom, and it was the backstage of the awards show, but it was also washington square mall, and i was with my father and susan surrandon, and we went to stand in line to get food, and i remember there was a lady weighing it out, and it was penne pasta, and my dad left while we were in line, and then susan left, and so i said i would pay to the lady, and it was going to be 30- but then the prices were all silly and it was only 0.00 and so i took the food, but then my dad found us, and he had taken extascy, and he was rolling, and then I left the mall to the mall parking lot, and there was a guy in the parking lot that made me nervous, and i walked northeastward to some wooden steps and there was a big body of water and a pier farther eastward and there was a bar and some people from the 90's hip hop scene were drinking, and they said that BigE and Missy Elliot were in the trailer, and so I went to the trailer and they both came out and BigE was so young! And he was wearing a grey T shirt and wasn't as big as I expected, and missy had big curly black hair, and i thought to myself how fucking awesome it would be to smoke them out, and beyond that, how badass it would be to give everyone a joint, because by the time we were smoking, it was around a green plastic table under a blue tent in the parking lot of the mall/awards event, and there were more of us than before, and magically i had like 7 fatty js and gave them to everyone, and BigE was sitting next to me, and we were getting high and it was fucking badass, and I was eating potato salad and I started to say how tragic his death was, and i looked into my potato salad and it turned into a family guy style cartoon that transformed BigE into JayLeno, and he was all grey and white and lame and then I woke up.

with every new desire that i find and express my passions for life in
like the boys that i have always shared too much with and in
and then they go
but i know that it is not them that i am in love with
love is not an in
it is the expression of transience and absoluteness
i do not fall in love with one, i live in love with all
but the unfocused nature of this creates diffusion
and so i find myself pulled like the sands of an etchesketch
but it is not the drawing that remains, but the material relations between
the chemical properties
like the chemicals that dance in my brain
and I am just trying to figure it out
in my own dance of self-assuredness and tears of loss
for the pains of globalization
postmodernism allows a frozen state of suspension before the crowd lands
in the collective jump to the sky
and wayne coin is reminding us that we have all this doing to do
and power to lose
and we is a small enough expression of what this is
our collective isolation
the multitude that will collect itself in the internet?
this frozen suspension
and i found this school
THIS SCHOOL
in the alps, and it is so far from here, from what i could do
and with every school that i fall in love with,
i sell off pieces of my body, my heart, my brain
it isn't me, it is that feeling
feeling
feeling
feeling
feeling
feeling

I'm fiendin' for the infatuation, and there were people and girls and beer and hair, but there was no one that i wanted to be near. And up and down, and up and down.

Where the heavens and the earth collide,
and spreading sensation in my chest,
and huh, uh huh.

(the shift on this computer is broken, so is the p)

so, i am lola from idyllwild, and i am looking directly into the perspective of which i am having the dream, and i am inside an institution that resembles astoria middle school, seaside high school, a prison, and the mental institution my grandfather lived in for three years in michigan in the fifties. i am behind a thick pane of glass and it is visiting hours, and a man that looks like tony soprano, but is my father, begins to walk to the door that leads into the room that i am in. i look through the glass at myself and say, " my guts feel so empty i want to slice my stomach open and let it all out." the father man opens the door, and i run out. i break through a fire alarm glass with my elbow, but there is no sound, but everyone starts to panic. there are people milled about, like in gta or something, and i run on this cement pathway to a long flight of cement stairs. i am running very quickly because i think someone is chasing me. i enter the seaside high school gymnasium but the ceiling is gone, it is overcast, i run up the empty wooden bleachers and find a door that is painted some ugly reddish brown, that is a custodian-type entrance... the lighting is yellow and i run eastward towards another flight of stairs, when a man with just-above-shoulder-length hair that in some ways resembles sirius black from hp wearing a big green army down jacket catches me by the shoulder. i look at him with my need to escape, there is no question in my mind that i am getting out, and he jumps in front of me and leads the way. we run down some ugly yellow stairs and then onto a big cement yard that resembles my friend Bridget's old farm out in svensen, but the only similarity is the road and the trees beyond the cement. i know i am close to the exit, and the custodian has left me, but as i come closer to the exit, the more and more people there are. it seems like there are thousands of people and i get anxious because large crowds make me nervous, but i need to get out is the ongoing mantra in my head, i need to get out, i need to get out, and then i wake up, and when i come back to sleep, i am in a green convertible in the middle of all these people, but it wont move, and so i get out and try to push my way through, and there is a safari vehicle ahead of me, and jordan is in it, and i know its closer to getting out than i will ever be, and somehow i get in, and brad is driving, but he gives me a hard time about these tickets to this thing that we left behind, and now we will have to buy new ones. we drive into a deep evergreen forest. i wake up.

Today, I woke up with Brad, but only after turning my alarm off for an hour and a half. I went to my 9am discussion for my culture, capitalism, and global exchange class. We talked about global food production, and some articles I didn't read. (I was going to, but I got too into my cartoon-metaphor for capitalism via the american nuclear family structure. Its turning out well.)
I made a friend that I saw at Fred Meyer's the other night. I was walking out of the store, with my recycled toilet paper, syrup, fresh thyme, and my wallet, keys and cell phone, all balancing in my arms (no plastic bags for natalie!), and I said in my distracted, anxious voice, "I know you..." and he turned around, and said "oh, hi". It wasn't like a big deal or anything, more just kind of a turning point. No, maybe just a bullet. But still, I went out of my way to be sociable to a stranger and it didn't blow up in my face. Still working away from the scars of Idyllwild.

I threw four bowls in the pottery studio last week, and they came out of the kiln on monday. Maddie and Luke were in that part of the EMU when I went to check on them, and they got to see them. Luke liked the abnormal one, maddie liked the more classical one. I am also working on a painting right now. It works with the concepts of empty and full, and the functions of a table. (It is a table, after all, that I am painting on.) I like blogging while I am in school. I think I am going to start doing this more often.

After my 9am discussion, I went to the pottery studio to glaze my bowls, but unfortunately there was a beginners class going on from like, 10 to 1, so that was that. No glaze for Natalie. I then wandered over to the EMU computer lab, but upon realizing that (a)I needed my student ID to use that lab and (b) I recently lost my ID, I decided to give in to my fate and get a new ID for 18.00 (?!) Then, I went to the lab and worked on a new resume with an ansel adams photo integrated in, very classy. Brad came by the lab, and we decided to go cuddle, but first stopped in the sunny up-study area of the emu. I read the news, he moped about not going to his class, and we went back to my apartment.

It was then that I remembered my olive garden leftovers, and then we got high, and then we played mario on the exercise ball while eating tasty tasty breadsticks. And then I went to my International Relations class, where we talked about Globalization and Free trade, and it was one of those situations where, you can chose to be silent like everyone else, or you can chose to get a hand in your education that you're paying 6 grand for... So, basically, I dominated that discussion, with the help of a few, but I hate feeling guilty for participating, and that is just a result of other lame-asses not having shit to say. And as my alter-ego persona who wears all black, a beret and sunglasses would say,..."What."

Brad and I are going away this weekend to the Rogue Forest Bed and Breakfast. I would show you the website, but it's down right now. I guess that is what happens when you live out in the periphery of Oregon; Merlin, Oregon. Lots of trees, an oak cabin, and a forest viewing room. Needless to say. I am fucking amped.

Also, I've decided on a career: Biological and Ecological Engineer. Check out the program. http://bee.oregonstate.edu/.

Mozart, Beethoven, and Bob Dylan. That's all you need to know.

Oh, and capitalism sucks. (What an ironic thing to say.)

So,

I realized just now that I was swooning, (let me define this: I was sitting in a chair, propping my head by my elbow, head slightly tighted to the right side, smiling to myself) while I was reading about nuclear taboo and international relations.

Only very certain kinds of men that I have certain kinds of crushes on find themselves in the scenario where they can be simultaneously swooned over while the subject (me) is digesting relatively dense reading material about nuclear taboo. Fucking Tannenwald.

La-la la-la la.

But isn't he just so dreamy???

To see a tidal wave in your dream, represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands attention.
To dream that you are a tourist, suggests that you are unsure of your surroundings and environment. Perhaps you are feeling a little lost in the world.
To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life.